Elon Musk, you’re so wrong about your trans kid

I’m sorry to say that Elon Musk and I have some very near and dear similarities: We have both used fertility treatments To conceive our children.

Thankfully, the similarities in our situations end there.

It took my partner and I three years to have our own child, which was taxing and at times extremely stressful for our marriage. When our daughter was born, we vowed to support her no matter who she was, or what she called herself, no matter what.

Being a parent has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding things I’ve ever done. I also worry every day that I’ll sometimes fall short, let my child down when he needs me most. Even now, I hesitate to write about him, because he didn’t ask to do so, nor is he a public figure. Being a writer means bringing other people into your words, often without their explicit consent. By and large, it doesn’t affect them, and it’s impossible to write about existence without noticing that we’re never truly alone.

Even admitting that, I have said more than the richest man in the world did when he talked about his daughter Vivian. An episode of the Jordan B. Peterson podcastIn what can only be described as disgusting diatribes, Musk deadnames and misgendered his daughter, says he was “tricked” into providing gender-affirming care for her, and declares she was “killed by a virus of the woke mind” for breaking contact with and transitioning to her father.

Raising a child means accepting the fact that what you expect of them may not be what they are, and that’s more than okay. I would love to share my avid sports fandom with my child, but I’m not demanding that his loyalties match mine. If he chooses to associate with different groups, or avoids ever watching a game with me, that’s more than okay.

However, passion for sports is far more trivial than one’s own identity. Whatever my child decides about himself in the future, I am always ready for it. Full stop.

I remember when I was 29 years old and I was scared to tell my parents that I was transgender, I wrote two letters, one to my mother and stepfather and the other to my father, in which I explained who I was and introduced him to the real me. I gave those letters to my parents and I decided not to be there when they read them because I was completely scared of their reaction.

My parents have been very encouraging and supportive of me. I never doubted it for a second, but coming out is a very sensitive process. Any possibility of misunderstanding made me feel paralyzed with fear and I wanted to either hide myself or not reveal anything about myself to the people who raised me.

Now imagine someone in their teens having these fears and lacking clarity about themselves? Instead of considering the support he gave his daughter, Musk has chosen to rewrite his daughter’s story to reflect his political agenda. An agenda that many in the Republican Party love has been embraced with enthusiasm across the country in the 2024 legislative session.

Dr. Jack Turban, director of the Gender Psychiatry Program at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of the book Be free: understanding children and gender identitytold The Daily Beast that when parents are non-affirming it is “one of the biggest predictors of poor mental health outcomes for transgender youth — including anxiety and depression.”

The feeling of abandonment and lack of validation is not just a short-term emotion that goes away for young people struggling with their identity. In fact, it is something that can persist long into adulthood, requiring psychological treatment and therapy in the future.

“Our relationships with our parents form an essential framework for the other relationships we have in our lives,” says Turban. “It’s important that our parents can listen to us and understand us. Even when a child and parent disagree about something, there are communication skills that can be taught so that the relationship can be maintained even when working through difficult topics in which two people don’t agree with each other.”

She added that this doesn’t mean that parents’ feelings and concerns about their children’s identity aren’t valid and shouldn’t be supported. Giving parents space to express their feelings, separate from the support offered to their children, is important to help all family members cope with difficult situations to the best of their ability.

Seeing a public figure like Musk disrespect his own child’s journey for political gain is not something that just affects him and his fans. Parents outside of Musk’s own bubble now have to look at their peers who are potentially affected by the weight of his words, and deal with children who may one day need support like Vivian was during her transition.

“As a trans parent of a trans child co-parenting with a less-than-supportive cis father, these comments horrify me,” one parent, who wished to remain completely anonymous, told me after watching a clip of Musk’s interview.

“The political debate isn’t just theoretical, I wake up some mornings and see these things being used as weapons against my own child and I feel helpless to stop it.”

ROBIN BECK/AFP via Getty Images

Other parents said that while his position was stable for his gender-expansive child, it showed how negligent Musk was as a parent, as he tried to impose his beliefs on his child when he did not have control over his life.

Katie, a mother of a middle school-aged child, told me that Musk’s comments made her grateful that her child is “able to live his own life” and that trying to control him even after he’s grown up is “self-absorbed” behavior.

“He’s choosing to be miserable, like some kind of perverse self-martyrdom,” she said. “Dude, your idea of ​​what your child will be like is dead, and I’m sorry to shatter your illusions, but as a parent that’s going to happen all the time.”

For many, just like me and my partner, the journey to becoming a parent is not a straight line and the risks of childbirth and the first few days of life can be fraught with complications. The challenges we faced as early parents were frightening and are something I will never take lightly when deciding to have children in the future.

Steve, who is the parent of a teenage child, told me that Musk’s comments made him think about the “traumatic” stress of his child’s long stay in the NICU after birth. Such statements were made when Musk discussed that his child had died of an illness. SIDS-Related Events It was a disgusting option in his mind.

“Musk’s sentiment that a child’s infection is equivalent to a child dying is, simply put, profane.”

Parents will always have disagreements about how to raise children, because there is no one way to be a parent. Even my wife and I have disagreements about what we think is best for our child, but we discuss these issues and learn from each other. Unfortunately, Musk’s comments matter not only because of his reach and his platform as the owner of the social media site X, but also because He has promised to spend $45 million every month Helping to elect Donald Trump as President of the United States.

Such investments would push a right-wing candidate toward policies that would ban gender-affirming care for American minors, even if Studies show these policies are based on weak evidence and a lack of understanding about how transgender healthcare works.

It’s painful to hear words like that against a child who has grown up and decided to live their authentic selves, especially for a child who is so scared to come out. I just hope my child knows, I’m so excited to see whoever they become.